O Say Can You Please Entry 9

O Say Can You Please Entry 9: Debate Mile

    Another two days of debates have come and gone, and at this point, I think it’s fair to say that the Democratic presidential field deserves another ranking. By now, many of the viable candidates have proven themselves in some way, while the rest will flame out soon because of tougher rules for the next debate. It was a now or never situation for some candidates, and  while some somewhat capitalized, many just didn’t gather enough momentum. However, the more viable candidates didn’t all nail it, either. 

    Now, some ground rules are in order. For one, only those in the second round of debates will be ranked. Second, the candidates will be in tiers based on viability and debate performance.  Therefore, a less viable spoiler candidate will be as high as a more viable candidate that doesn’t contribute all that much. I am doing this because the likely Republican nominee, President Trump, falls flat when his dismal record with facts and statistics comes into play. I will try to write a four-line comedy verse for each candidate, and with that, here is the Tiered Top 20 Democratic Candidates Hoedown.

The “Ass Out Of You & Me” Tier (F):

20. Bill De Blasio

Contributing no substance is this man’s sustenance, Plus I really think he’s got a smug countenance*. He’s got a ridiculous New York City ego, And by the way, they’re still saying “Fire Pantaleo**!”

*-Look on his face **-Cop who killed Eric Garner 5 YEARS AGO

19. Tim Ryan

You’re easily flustered, and just as soft as custard. This very run of yours should just be filibustered! You tell Bernie not to yell, and you look like a chump, but surely you haven’t met Donald J. Trump?

18. Marianne Williamson

Your word choice is wonky, and your campaign’s rather clunky, You think you’re very spunky, but you’re really really funky. What the hell’s an author doing in this race? As a matter of fact, there’s 19 other candidates!

17. Beto O’Rourke

The former darling Dem, no longer such a gem, used to be the one to watch, now kicked down a notch. To make things worse, you’re probably gonna lose! Oh my god, you couldn’t beat Ted frickin’ Cruz!

The “Who Are You?” Tier (D)

16. Steve Bullock

So mediocre he missed the first debate, only made it in when Swalwell took the bait! Next thing you know, you’re being shown the door, because you’re just the real-life version of The Simpsons’ Troy McClure.

15. John Delaney

No one knew you before, and no one knows you now. You stand up on that stage, and people wonder how! Sure, you’re articulate, but that’s all you got, so maybe, just maybe, your campaign’s not too hot!

14. Michael Bennet

What I said about Delaney applies to you as well. In fact, it doesn’t matter what on Earth you tell. No matter how you speak, no matter what you say, you’ll be outclassed by Joe Biden, anyway!

13. John Hickenlooper

A man from Colorado like the one who went before, at least this one isn’t as much of a bore! You speak like you’ve accepted that this is all for naught, which is a prudent move because it’s all gone to pot!

The “Are We There Yet?” Tier (C) 

12. Jay Inslee

The climate is a crisis, that is very clear, yet the fact that’s all you talk about makes me shed a tear! You’re a one-trick pony down to your core, and your being bland as tofu makes listening quite a chore!

11. Amy Klobuchar

You hope those Heartland values will take you really far, but all you’ve done is get stuck in tar. You could really use that ‘cause you’re dry as Arizona, which is ironic because you’re from Minnesota!

10. Tulsi Gabbard

I’ve got to thank her for her military service, and she made Kamala just a bit nervous. Syria’s Assad is someone you embrace, maybe you should care about the whole human race!

9. Kirsten Gillibrand

White privilege is what she wants to change, and women’s issues are also well within her range. Aside from those points, she really is quite plain, So I don’t really see what is there for her to gain!

The “Take A Chance On Me” Tier (B)

8. Andrew Yang

You say the opposite of Trump is a man who likes math, and I’m sure that this will put us on a different path. No matter if you win or lose, it’s gonna be with a bang, because you’re the only candidate with a Twitter “gang”*!

*- “#YangGang”

7. Julian Castro

You’re a good debate performer who can’t quite get ahead, Maybe your PR team needs to go to bed! You are quite smart, I can tell by what you said, but just don’t let that get to your head!

6. Cory Booker

Your campaign was disappointing right up to this point, but then in the second round, you blew up the joint! You really look like you’ve got it made! Just don’t dip into the wrong Kool-Aid!

5. Pete Buttigieg

God, you came out of nowhere, and now you’re everywhere. Also, you’re the mayor of a city that is fair! The biggest thing you gained from this 2020 game is that people now know how to say your freakin' name!

The “All-Star” Tier (A)

4. Kamala Harris

You were doing so well, and I thought you were swell, yet that prosecution record rings a few alarm bells! Focus on the issues and not on the attack, or else there’s no way you’re gonna get your mojo back!

3. Joe Biden

Ah, good ol’ Uncle Joe is everybody’s pal, but that doesn't matter much in this battle royale! Here is the reason you always leave such a doubt! You gotta take the heat as well as dish it out!

2. Bernie Sanders

Back in second place, well, you’ve been there before. Maybe you wish you were one position more! Shaking the establishment down to its core, you’ll have to get up from the cutting room floor!  

And Number 1 is…

Elizabeth Warren

Well, you just topped my ranking, but you won’t be spared! You have a plan for everything and I’m glad that you dared. Former hippies want to call your policies quite groovy. It’s too bad Trump’s name for you is from a Disney movie!